Kathleen was a magnificent chest hair auditor when her life was dramatically improved by meeting Luke in 2012 at a campus cafeteria she used to frequent with the hopes of capturing the attention of a dashing barber shop quartet. She stumbled into Luke when she slipped on an abandoned hotdog and, mistaking him for a wombat, threw glitter in his face and shed her tail as she scampered away. She has since become an atheistic witch who brews beer in an abandoned Arby’s while aggressively complimenting local dogs. She is the best person Luke knows and is not to be trifled with.

Claire first met Charlie in 2017 when the siren song of his rippling ass called to her from across the dance floor. Charlie is fluent in 8 languages and can swear in 10 (11 if you include one particularly friendly hand gesture). He has pending litigation against God over copyright of the Rainbow. He drives a flaming motorcycle which he earned as a consistent top performer in the Devil's Souls-for-Sandwiches recruitment program. To make your own mark in this game-changing program, text SOULS to 503-468-3266 (503-HOT-DAMN) for program information and a limited edition apple & snake figurine. Besides his entrepreneurial endeavors, he once advised Obama on matters of Hoe-land Security and will always be the Mermaid Man to Claire's Barnacle Boy.

David passed away at the tender age of 19 on November 22 last year from a chronic case of Leftusforlosangelitis. While we will always be haunted by the memory of his bad taste in cardigans, David's true strengths were in his uncanny ability to reimagine cutlery and was often quoted saying "Stop trying to get a statement out of me" and even "How did you get in my bath". We regret he was never able to fulfill his lifelong pursuit of nickel plating keyboards, and definitely won't have underhanded pranks waiting for him should he unexpectedly materialize. What David lacked in foresight he made up for in hindsight and that is something we will always remember him for. His ghost and deez nuts haunt us still.

Abby (who hates being called Abby so definitely don't call her that) is an award winning cosplayer, pinata engineer, and bucket list completionist who specializes in stage fighting, wig styling, and baking definitely not poisonous confections. When she is not crocheting jousting armor she can be found sipping mocktails in a kiddy pool in her back yard living out her dream as a pro wrestler dressed as a playboy bunny. If you ask her how many deaths she may allegedly be indirectly responsible for she will just smile...and keep smiling. You would be amazed to learn how much of this is actually true.

Kris invented the Atari 2600 8 years before he was born. While his genius was lauded by many postal workers and there were high hopes for him as a boy, the only thing that truly kept him from solving world hunger is chasing the high of just one more soccer goal. He would often write in his diary how he wished he was as cool as Luke, as long as it didn't mean he smelled like Luke. There's a lot to unpack there. Kris's bucket list includes: -Mop Bucket -Ice Bucket -5 gallon Bucket -Pail -Paint Can (which isn't really a bucket but don't tell him that)

Alex rescued Claire from a mysterious drowning incident in the Hot Topic at the North Point Mall in Alpharetta, GA while trying to outrun the 2008 financial crisis. The trauma of this experience resulted in them promptly forgetting about each other for the next fourteen years after which Claire rediscovered Alex in her natural state, at the top of a pole dressed as the Grinch. Since then Alex has been teaching Claire how to boost her vampire vibes and has even done the bride's makeup for the wedding.

Sierra is planning on hijacking this wedding in a complicated heist to add credibility to a book she plans on writing after she gets out of the slammer in the hopes of getting picked up by Netflix so she can then use her celebrity status to eventually punch Jerry Springer (her ACTUAL father). It's quite the long game but long game is what Sierra has spent decades building a reputation around. She once planned to start breeding rats in order to gain the trust of a group of snake aficionados to work her way onto their air hockey team so she could get into Canada by playing competitively to get closer to an Instagram influencer who once commented rather rudely on a picture she posted. She never got past the rat stage before she became distracted by a booster pack of Magic the Gathering cards. If you see her, clutch your pearls.

Sasha is a cat and shall act as such.